Have you ever listened to "Ride" from Lana del Rey? If you haven't, then you should. Its great. And its me.
Theres this part that goes: I was a singer, not a ver popular one, but once i had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet. But upon an unfortunate series of events, saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that i wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken. But i didnt really mind because i knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.
When the people i used to know found out what i'd been doing, how i'd been living, they asked me why but, there's no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what its like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lie your head.
I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me i had a chameleon soul, no moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecivesiness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean. And, if i said i didn't plan for it to turn out this way i'd be lying, because i was born to be the other woman, i belonged to no one, who belonged to everyone, who had nothing, who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that i couldn't even talk about. And pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.
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I.... I'm angry. I'm angry all the time. I've been angry for months now. I feel like I can't take it. I just want to say fuck it, and leave. And don't think. I can't stop thinking. I've become one of those romantics (the movement). I'm sad, and I'm desperate. I feel like the earth is swallowing me up, and i've lost the strenght to fight it, but i don't want any help, either. Because i can get out myself. I know. I'm just tired. I'm so tired of everything, of these straps around my body, holding me, not letting me go. I'm tired of this thing in my head that holds me back, that blinds me, that mocks me. I'm out of my way. And i'm all over the place. I lost strenght. I lost myself, and i can't... i can't see, and i can't find me. I'm blind and I can barely walk. I can barely breathe. I almost want a massive panic attack, because i feel like, that would probably be it. That would probably be the end of at least one of my head stuff.
And i hate people. I hate them so much because they're just a body, a corpse. Like i am. And i can't rely on anyone. And i hate that i can't stop this, i hate that i can't stop the universe from being a bitch to me, of always fucking me up. What is there going to be after all this? Because it better be a good thing. It better makes me happy. It better doesn't throw me over the edge every day of my life.
I hate that i can't find the words to describe anything. I hate that i feel lost. I hate that my eyes look sad but theres nothing in them. Not really. I hate that my eyebrows are always furrowed. They're always digged over my nose. And my lips are always a thin hard pressed line. And my hands are fists. I walk with resolution but there's nothing, really, i lost it, too.
I'm frustrated. I don't know what to grab, where to walk, who to talk to. I don't know what the fucking teen hormones are doing to me.
I'm really messed up right now, and hey mom, i'm gay, you know that, right? Stop looking at me like i'm a failure, with sad eyes, like i have something ugly on my face. I'm angry at you. I'm angry at your eyes, your mouth. I can't look at you without feeling this... thing somewhere in my mind, somewhere in my chest, without the voice inside my head screaming. I can't smile at you, not sincerely and you're not a happy thought in my head. The thing is, i want you to be, i want support, you know? But its okay for you to not give it to me, though.
I wanna leave. I need to get lost. Physically. I need to not talk to people i know, people i secretely hate, or love. I need to stop seeing every single detail, remember it, like i give a fuck, when i actually don't. My head is on its own, which is fucked. I want it to shut the fuck up.
Shut up.