Panic attacks

To don't know what the fuck is going on, to not have control, to not know what to decide, to get really confused, to can't go back, to not know what exactly you want. Then you can't breathe. Air feels like iron in your lungs. You start to shake and you feel like running, screaming because you feel like you're trapped. Your heart's racing and you feel like is going to stop at some point and you will die. Right there. You can barely see, everything goes black for a second and you feel out of yourself. And you feel desperate and anxious. Then you realize what's happening, after minutes of trying to breath, to calm down, to figure out why you feel like trapped, and start to gain control over your body again. And sometimes you feel like throwing up, sometimes you don't, those are the best cases.

To not know why this happens.

To don't have anybody, but why the fuck do I want somebody? I'm angry with myself. And I want to stop having the beginning of panic attacks and not the whole thing. Its just worse.

I want all of this to stop, I just forgot how to do it. And I hate it. And I hate feeling like this.