Panic attacks

To don't know what the fuck is going on, to not have control, to not know what to decide, to get really confused, to can't go back, to not know what exactly you want. Then you can't breathe. Air feels like iron in your lungs. You start to shake and you feel like running, screaming because you feel like you're trapped. Your heart's racing and you feel like is going to stop at some point and you will die. Right there. You can barely see, everything goes black for a second and you feel out of yourself. And you feel desperate and anxious. Then you realize what's happening, after minutes of trying to breath, to calm down, to figure out why you feel like trapped, and start to gain control over your body again. And sometimes you feel like throwing up, sometimes you don't, those are the best cases.

To not know why this happens.

To don't have anybody, but why the fuck do I want somebody? I'm angry with myself. And I want to stop having the beginning of panic attacks and not the whole thing. Its just worse.

I want all of this to stop, I just forgot how to do it. And I hate it. And I hate feeling like this.

Are you awake?

There's this very thin line between dreams and ilusions. A very thin line you get to see when you're introduced to the real world when you're a teenager. And as a teenager because when you're a kid, you can't even allow the idea to your mind that "this" or "that" is very fucking hard to reach, to get. But then you're in high school, and is fucked but okay, what the hell, you can do this. But then, there's college. I personally think that college's the first step to your dreams. It depends on how you see it, though. But okay, you're in senior, you just found out what the hell you want to do with your life (or struggling, whatever), and your parents push, your friends push, and your whole family push. And you want to shut them down. And you eventually do, but then you realize that this is it. That you're no longer a kid and you have to decide things, things that are crucial to your life. And let's say your parents let you choose. They might push, but you can decide, and you suddenly (not SO suddenly, but lets say so) hate your country, and you hate that everything's about money, and fucking life's "free" but you'll fucking die if you don't have money to fucking survive. Because money = everything else. That's how fucked the world is. So you can't do what was top in your dreams list "go study somewhere else" and you have to settle. And by deleting that first thing, everything else written in that piece of paper is just harder. But you still don't give up. And then you're in college. Real World. Your dreams get fuzzy sometimes, they start becoming ilusions at times and you hate it. And sometimes you wonder why the hell God put you here. And why the hell everything's so damn hard. And why this and that; but what's left but to fight and work for whatever's there in that golden list?

There's a thin line between dreams and ilusions, in which you might think that things are like in the movies, maybe not your life itself but the context, the enviroment. Or the other people. Do not. Do not expect things to be the way you imagine, or the way the system pictures them to you. Just fight. Strive. And have that line in mind, always.

My other self says hi

Have you ever been to that place where you don't know, maybe, who you are? Because at some point of your life you changed and yes, you felt comfortable and good but as time passed by, something changed again and you don't know if it means that you're going back to your old self or maybe growing up. And it's so damn confusing that when you talk or even think, you can't trust yourself because you'll probably change your mind later. So if decisions where hard before, they're even harder now. And sometimes, sometimes you feel like there's a voice inside your head that mixes with your own and then there's a holy big fucking mess. Maybe it's only me, maybe I'm fucked which is probably true. But it's so hard, so stressful and sometimes I think that somebody will come and save me... "fix me" but I can't let myself believe that. I don't wanna need anyone, because in the end, everybody's on their own. So I go back to try and figure out myself and what the hell is happening.

I gotta keep myself free

There's this Foster the People song called "Call it what you want" (which is, of course, in what the title's inspired) that I love entirely. And it's so good because it basically says "Who cares? Fuck it" regarding to labels and social guides, which is what we're living right now, the whole world, and it's so... depressing, so sad. Because as teenagers, we're living in this... era where people push so hard and we just don't know what to do or say. Maybe even think. And it gets to a point where one just says (or screams) "leave me alone!", because living that way isn't healthy, living guided by what society says isn't being free. And I want to be free. I'm done with people, and society and everything. I'm gonna do what makes me happy. And no, I really don't care that this sounds so-not-me and kinda TOO positive, whatever, this is my nice way to not say "fuck it" or, explain it.